Who Am I?
This is the question that everyone on this earth struggles with at some point in their lives. It can be when you're just beginning to understand the earth's wonders when you start to figure out who you ARE, what makes you unique, what makes your being on earth a blessing to others. As teenagers, not knowing who you are is often harmful, but as an adult, not knowing who you are and what you stand for is a tragedy. It is because of knowing who you are that you make the decisions to do what you do whether those things be good or bad.
Growing up, between birth-about 12 years old, my life was pretty much at peace. I was a very free-spirited, care free, loving, compassionate and happy child. I asked my mother a few minutes ago what she would describe me when I was a child in one word. "VIVACIOUS". My mother and I were talking just yesterday about how she couldn't take me anywhere in fear of me running off, as I had the tendency to run in parking lots... a LOT. So, naturally, I was quite stubborn as well. As the years passed, things got hard. I stopped being "Madison". I became all about attention, and not just positive attention. I look back now at some of the things I was going through in high school and middle school, and I now know and understand that it was a cry for help. My reality is though, that I was just aching for someone to show me that they cared enough to stop and listen to me. I was begging for a friend to reach out to me, give me a hug, to to tell me that I could get through the trials of my youth. I was drowning, and there were times I felt like no one cared enough to reach out to save me. I walked through the halls of high school feeling like no one would notice if I ever came back- so I didn't.
Now I look back, and can see that I was wrong. There were plenty of people that tried reaching out to me, but I ignored them. I didn't ignore them on purpose, for if I had known during that time that I was ignoring them, I would have gone that extra mile to make sure that I DIDN'T. I loved my friends- because when things were hard at home, they were the only thing that I had that gave me hope for a better future. I know that a lot of my pain I dealt with I brought on myself, and then there some crucial things I couldn't help and had no control over. I learned early on that lying is not something that I will ever be able to do to someone I love, having to let go of someone that you're not ready to leave is the hardest thing do, no attention is better than negative attention, crying DOESN'T mean you're weak, and you will never be able to change a person no matter how much you care about them. I have been able to forgive those that have hurt me, and asked for forgiveness from (almost all) those that I feel like I have wronged. I have gone from being weak, and running from my problems, to being strong and facing my fears. I still have my weaknesses, such as a lack of patience, and promptness, for example, but I'm working on that. I have gone through a lot of changes within my being, but not EVERYTHING has changed. The one thing that has not changed throughout my childhood, teenage years, and that has followed me into adulthood- is my heart. It has been hurt, betrayed, beaten, left, tainted, forgotten, broken, cheated, tattered, torn, and taken advantage of- and yet it still beats just as strong as if it escaped all the deep valleys of despair. I am whole again- I am who I always was, and always wanted to be because the grace of God has saved my heart, and my soul through it all. Just when I thought I was all alone, He never fails to show me that he never left me. Because of His love, he has been holding my hand every step of the way, even when I refused to acknowledge him.
I may not have it all together and be exactly where I want to be at right now, but I know the kind of woman I want to be in the future. I know that I want to be a strong, compassionate woman. I want to always put others before myself, and to show love through my actions, words, and even my thoughts. I want to be positive, and have composure in tough situations. I want my family to know how grateful I am for them,and I want to make sure that I tell them that I love them every single day, and I want them to FEEL that love without me even having to say it. I want to be an explorer, and find things that are so rare, people think there are no such things on this earth. I want to make a difference in someone's life, be a motivator, or a mentor. I want to be romantic, and appreciate the littlest things that most people miss. I want to take the time out of my day to send a thank you card, or to let someone know that they are appreciated. When I smile, I want it to be genuine happiness that shows through. I want to be brave and courageous, and take risks most wouldn't even give a second thought about. I want to soar in my faith, conquer in my strength, and get lost in my happiness. I'm not wanting perfection, because nothing is perfect. I just want to be authentic; I want to be something REAL. :)
