If You Had Told Me...

Life is anything but simple. We must swim through oceans, climb the tallest mountains, and soar through the thunderstorms of life. We are constantly challenged, constantly pressing on toward greater and amazing things that we never even imagined before. Life isn't always an exciting thing for us, but the fact that we are still here to live it is in itself- a miracle.
Life is also full of surprises.
Some are amazingly beautiful surprises, such as

                                the birth of twin baby brothers
                                a trip to Disney World
                                befriending someone you didn't always like
                                having a stepfather (Ladder) who loves you unconditionally
                                having your mom as your best friend
                                being financially stable enough to pay off your car
                                being kissed for the first time
                                losing weight
                                traveling around the world....

And some surprises are not so beautiful...
                                 divorce of parents
                                 death of my beloved dog, Jewel
                                 losing my precious Papaw James
                                 totaling my first car
                                 first "breakup"
                                 gaining weight

However, in light of all the negative surprises in life, there is always a silver lining. One of the things I've realized is that in life, bad things are going to happen. You will probably do bad on a test, you might get a speeding ticket, or you might lose someone close to you by death or by breakup. However, if you can keep your focus on what is important instead of the things that weigh you down and cause you pain, then your life will be much smoother.

You have only one life, so live it!
You want to go sky diving- GO!
You want to go walk on the Wall of China- DO IT (but be mindful of police lol)!
You want to take a road trip by yourself- HIT THE ROAD!

One thing people are so scared of these days is being different from others. Yes, I'm a student. Yes, I have a full time job. But YES, I have an ache to explore the world around me.

And that's okay. Its okay to be curious, and to have the desire to familiarize with the world around me.
I truly believe that when I am laid to rest, I will have a lifetime of memories, from all over the world.
And that is a life worth having....
a great life, indeed.




                              
                                           
                         
           

Day 1 of Vegan Living

So... its day one.
And its 1am in the morning, and I'm just sitting here waiting until its time for me to go to sleep about 4am. Working night shift really throws me out of my routine sometimes, but its the only way I could continue full-time at work AND school, so I gotta do what I gotta do to make money and to survive.
I've got water bottles galore that I'm going to take to work to drink if I feel like eating something. Staying full on water is important- and much better than the alternative "snack foods".
I've decided that I'm going to go to the 24-hour gym every morning when I get off work at LEAST until 9am. That's an hour of hardcore cardio, and weights.... shouldn't be too hard for Day 1.
Of course, Day 2 has to be a little longer, and a little more intense, but going at my own pace should make it easier.
               
I've decided to register with Weight Watcher's again- it worked and helped me to lose 32 pounds last year- so hopefully I will be able to have the same success as I did then, if not more success. I'm ready to do this.... I CAN do this.
Its all about the mentality.
GOTTA START IT NOW... TODAY....
It's a lifestyle change, not a diet.
Gotta change the way I eat, work out, and live....
and take it just one day at a time...
:)
I want to get healthy- and I CAN. Its just up to how much work im willing to put into it that determines my results...
That's all for now,
Madison

The Meaning of Friends

Throughout our lives we meet many people that we will always remember. No time, distance, or another person will change the impact my friends have and will have on my life...

Going through my room during the process of my parent’s divorce, and my father’s moving to another city, I have come across some things that remind me of the person I used to be. Sometimes, there are notes, sometimes there are pictures, or AIM chats I had kept, and sometimes there were projects I made. This one project in particular caught my interest. I wrote this one “poem” when I was a junior in high school… We were asked to make a scrapbook of monumental moments in our lives, discussing things that were important to us. One page was to have the pictures, and the other side was to have our thoughts on the topic and pictures on that page. This was what I had written on my “Friends” page, about all the things I had learned from birth- 17 years of age about all the people I have come to know in my brief life...

Friendship.

A true friendship lasts forever.

True friends learn to look past words that were said in jealousy, and in anger. While, a false friend uses the mistakes of your past against you.

A true friend understands that sometimes you do things without thinking,  and a false friend points their finger at your impulses.

A true friend understands that you are weird and full of excuses, but wouldn’t have you any other way. A  false friend tries to change you into someone you’re not, insulting you when you don’t conform to their “ways”.

A TRUE friend knows how to read you, and understand you without you even saying a word.... while a false friend doesn’t even give you a chance to get in a word.

True friends are the kind of people that can finish your sentences, and a false friend always is on the defense with a snide remark  to everything you say.

True friends are there when you need a shoulder to lean on when you are too weak to stand on your own.  False friends are the ones that enjoy the moments when you are down, and are often the ones that cause them.

True friends have a secret joke that they know will always bring a smile to each other's faces.   False friends are nice to your face, but are the first to insult you behind your back (and at times literally behind your back)

True friends will drive two hours at one in the morning just so they can talk to you when you need a hug and just someone to talk to. False friends tell you they don’t have time for your problems, and are more focused on how you can help them with THEIR issues.
True friends tell you when you are wrong, and expect you to be different.                                                False friends tell everyone else when you’re wrong, laugh about it, and never even tell you.

Real friends aren’t afraid to say they are sorry, or admit when they are wrong.                                   False friends are the ones that do everything, but blame someone else.

Genuine friends give you their honest opinion even when they know it might hurt a little.  Fake friends tell you whatever benefits them more.

Real friends know how weird you are, and still claim you.                                                                      False friends invite you out just to make fun of you later when you’re gone.

True Friends comfort when you are fighting with your parents, and take you out when your boyfriend leaves you for someone else.  A false friend is the girl that your boyfriend leaves you for.

True friendships never fade away, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve seen each other.  False friends are there when they need someone from you, and not on a daily basis.

Real friends are everlasting and are with you everywhere you go. Fake friends are only there when they need someone to put down to make themselves feel better about themselves.

True friendships aren’t just the “I’m there when you WANT me to be.....” They are the kind of friendship that is like “I’m there whenever you NEED me to be.”

True friendships are for a lifetime, and are worth everything. False friendships are worth nothing.

True friendships are worth keeping. False friendships are worth LOSING.
                                                                                                     

     

 Always be the kind of friend that you’d want to have.

Gotta Start Somewhere; PKU Blog

Reality.
We all have different realities in life.

The truth is, we all struggle and we all are dealt things that make our heads spin, and our hearts break. Some of us have lost children, parent, a best friend, or someone close to us. Some of us have a terminal illness, or have been in an accident paralyzing us for the rest of our lives. We all experience things that will affect us for the rest of our lives. Before now, I've been kind of closed off and refused to talk about the one thing in my life that I have struggled with since birth, but I feel comfortable enough now to share it, and to see my situation more as a blessing, instead of a burden. This is my story.

On April 10, 1990 I took my first breath on this earth at 8:32pm. My mother has described it to me many times as a very sunny Tuesday, and one of the best days of her life since it is the day she became a mother. I was healthy it was determined at birth, with the lungs of an opera singer and an APGAR score of 9 (perfect score is 10). My mother and father were joyous with my arrival. However, 9 days later their joy was shattered as they had to come to terms that something was wrong with me, and would follow me the rest of my life.

Now I'm sure those of you mothers are aware that when your child is born, the doctors will stick the heel of your precious babies often causing you to wince at the thought of someone causing your new bundle of joy any kind pain. But let me tell you, it was that exact thing that forever changed my life for the better. You see, one of the reasons they take the blood is to send it off to see if the infant has a autosomal recessive metabolic genetic disorder called Phenylketonuria (or PKU for short). On that 9th day of my life my parents found out that I indeed had tested positive for PKU, and my wellbeing would strongly be altered if appropriate action was not taken immediately.

The boy on the left has untreated PKU, suffering from Mental Retardation.

For those of you who are lost, and have no clue what PKU is I will fill you in a little bit. Babies with PKU are missing an enzyme called phenylalanine hydroxylase, which is needed to break down an essential amino acid called phenylalanine. The substance is found in foods that contain protein, essentially making the baby have to be on a low-protein diet. Of course, as a baby we don't eat or drink much but formula or breast milk. There are different companies that make formulas that are outrageously expensive, but required for a baby with PKU in order for a child to grow healthy. If a child with PKU does not have this formula, and stay on a vegetarian diet as an infant and during the crucial times of development (until about age 16), then the child can become mentally retarded, as well as having delayed mental and social skills, micocephaly (small head syndrome), hyperactivity, jerking movements of the arms or legs, seizures, skin rashes, tremors, or the unusual positioning of the hands. Luckily for me, my parents sought help immediately and got me started on the right track so I don't have any of those symptoms and I made it through the developmental stages safely without harm to my physical and mental processing. Others that were born before the formula was made available, unfortunately, are not so lucky.
So, at 22 years old, I have officially been off my PKU diet since I was 14. That makes it a total of 8 years that I haven't been taking my formula, and staying on the vegan path and the healthy way of life for someone born with PKU. The main reason I went off diet was because people would make comments to me saying that what I ate was "weird" since most of my things were home made, or smelled funny, or I got tired of having to explain why I had to be so "picky". I remember I was at a friends house, and when I told my friend's mother I couldn't eat what she was serving she said I was spoiled and too picky. Little things like that got to me, as I was quite sensitive and tender during my pre-teen and teenage years. Soon, I started to eat peanut butter and grain products.Not being able to have a simple PB&J was annoying to me, so I started ignoring my better judgement. While they things were not as high in protein as meat or dairy, they were still harmful since they are so high in protein. I would get grounded, spanked, and "punished" simply for eating 2 crackers with peanut butter on it. I just didn't understand why it had to be made into such a big deal... who gets spankings because they ate peanut butter? No one I had ever heard of that happening to, except for me. Life didn't seem fair, so when I was at school or anywhere else, I ate what I wanted. My parents would tell my teachers and my extended family members about my PKU and were asked to "watch me" in case I ate something I wasnt supposed to. Of course, if reported that I was eating "off diet things" I got into trouble. I hated who I was, and my PKU. And honestly, I still dislike my PKU. Even today I will get the occasional "Are you supposed to have that?" It takes everything in me to refrain from smacking that person, in all honesty.

Now that I'm a little bit older, and the thought of someday having a family is crossing my mind, I have decided to attempt to get back onto my PKU diet. What a lot of people don't realize is, that without me being on my PKU diet, a healthy pregnancy is unlikely. I can get pregnant more than likey without trying (fertile family... LOL). However, if I was to unexpectedly get pregnant, my baby could suffer for my maltreatment of my own body. The last thing I want is for my own child to suffer with delayed development, mental retardation, poor head growth (microcephaly), poor overall growth, heart defects, and other structural birth defects simply because I didn't do what I needed to to keep MYSELF healthy. I don't want the person I am with for the rest of my life to have to wait for me to get my health in line in case we want to start a family when we get married. Although, marriage is in the back of my mind for now, I have to start working on my health now, so when the time comes I am ready. So I am taking this time in my life to focus on what's important to me; my family, my career, my chasteness, but most importantly- my health.

I'm in the process of getting back on diet, and I have my formula ready to go. I am currently on Bettermilk and Restore, which are fairly new to the PKU community. I will more than likely be taking KUVAN soon (the $18,000/month pill that allows me to have more protein) to help me along the way. I am having to backtrack and undo 8 years of a hurtful habit I have pressed upon myself. I am scared that I will fail- but if I have learned anything is that I need to take it just one day at a time. There will be days that I do great, and there will be days that I fail. However, I have to keep my eyes on the prize. I keep a picture of my family in my wallet, in my car, and in my room to use as a motivation for the life I want to have someday. If I can't get the self control to do this now, then my dream of being a mother may be impossible. And in all honesty, as hard as I'm working for my career now, I'd give up every other job in the world to be able to have and take care my own HEALTHY children.

Keeping my eye on the prize,
Taking it one step at a time,
and being disciplined and persistant.....

That is what I must do.

And I will.

Blessings on your day,
Madison

Trusting Again.

In our lives we all have things we wish we’ve never said,
and things we wish we never did...

Many of us have said “I hate you” to our parents, in our fits of teenage rebellion. Often we make a judgment of others when our opinion isn’t wanted, or needed.   We say “I love you” to those we don’t love.  We also say things we don't mean to those you DO love. We tell our friends lies, are dishonest to our parents, or fail to tell the complete truth to anyone else. We gossip about other’s lives (which we know nothing about),  and we boast about the things we do happen to know about. We spread rumors that cause a person’s heart to become heavy, not knowing the impact it can have on our own. And we say things every day that someone might possibly carry with them for the rest of their life. Words are just words, or so they say. BUT, words can hurt, because words are powerful.
If you truly know me, you know that I am a talker. I am a very blunt, straightforward kind of person. And even though I may talk a lot, there are a whole lot of things I don’t speak of, and probably never will. There are feelings I’ve felt that I can’t even begin to explain to someone.

It’s scary- utterly terrifying, not knowing why you feel the need to do or say something without any realistic cause…. why you say the things you do. However, I believe that our words are a reflection of our hearts... While, I sometimes say things I don't mean, and regret, once I get the chance to talk to someone- the truth of who I am comes out. I'll tell you of my past, my present, and my plans for the future. I'll speak of my difficulties I've come across in life, and I'll mention the moments in my life that seem like they could've come straight out of a fairy tale. But most importantly, I will let you in on my hopes for my future, and the things I believe that are to come. I'll speak of my faith in the unknown in my life- or my newfound faith in God.
You know, I’ve gambled a lot in my life. I've gambled in my friendships, relationships, and on a rare occasion, my money. I’ve won some, and I’ve lost some. I've kept some, and I've tossed some. But I’ve always been the kind a girl that thinks taking the chance to get what you want is ALWAYS worth it. If you get what you want, you GET it knowing the faith, dedication, and determination you had to have to claim it. You get it because it was what God desired for you, and because you earned it. I call those things  or little moments God gives us blessings.

On the flipside, if you DON’T get what you want, you can always say you tried your very best. If you're gonna fail at something, its better to go down swinging, than to never even have tried. There are moments in my life where I feel that I got a little ahead of myself, and gave up when I should've stuck in there, and finished until the end. Those times are the ones that haunt me, and create the "What If" moments in my life. I've learned though, that sometimes the best thing to do after you've failed is to walk with your head held high knowing you did all you could possible; but it just wasn’t meant to happen. As I once heard someone say, "The only real failure in life, is the failure to try." And I believe that wholeheartedly.

I’m used to not getting what I want, but mostly because I never knew what exactly it is that I wanted.... Now, however, I know exactly what I want, in almost all areas. I know what I want from my career, from myself, my spirituality, and from a future with whomever I'll marry. However, I’m prepared to live without it. I know that I'd be okay without the career of my dreams. I'd be okay without the man of my idreams. But the two things I want that I absolutely cannot live without is my faith in myself, and most importantly, my faith in God.  The things I hope for are not necessities, they are desires. We can live without our desires, but we don’t WANT that.

Truthfully, I want a lot of things for my life. But often, what I want isn’t what I need. I have had to learn to lean and trust God in these times.

God provides exactly what I NEED, when I need it. He provides in HIS timing, not mine.

When his timing is, I have aboslutely no clue. I'd like to think that after I graduate, things will start coming together. I'll be moving to the Carolina's with my mom and stepdad, or at least that's what they've said for the past year- but truthfully, I don't know what is to come. Something could happen, and I never make it there- so I have to be prepared for  may happen- I may move to London or Hong Kong for all I know... lol 

But I DO know, that when God's timing for my life comes; whether it be career, opportunity, relationship, or children related, it will be obvious that this was how I was meant to live my live.

The pain we feel isn’t because of God. God doesn't cause us pain- WE cause our pain. We cause ourselves pain when we are unable to let go of toxic people, nonexistant relationships, or the sins and mistakes we’ve committed in the past. We cause ourselves pain  by selling ourselves short, and thinking we are worth so much less than we actually are. We see ourselves for how those that didn't deserve us, and mistreated us saw us, instead of how God sees us. We cause pain in our lives thinking ourselves unlovable, when often if you'd just wake up and turn around, you'd find someone that would give everything of theirs to be something of yours. We cause pain when we mistreat others, are are self seeking for our personal benefits. And we cause pain when we are given another chance, just to throw it away. Pain stems from regret, guilt, or remorse that we've brought upon ourselves. And only God has the ability to take the pain away, if we trust in Him.

All I want for my life is what God wants for me.  I’ve given up every single thing of any worth to my life to HIM to do as he chooses. Literally, I've ended relationships that were unhealthy, and am clinging to the ones that are healthy. I've stopped a lot of my bad habits, and am trying to get ready for whatever comes my way. For the first time in my life- I’ve let go of MY plans for my life- and am totally trusting God. The concept of trusting God, when I don't trust any other person on this earth is amazing to me. But truthfully, when I was at my lowest, the only person that never let me down was God. When things were going bad at home, and when I lost a friend, God was there. I FELT him then, when I was broken and in turmoil. And I can feel him even STRONGER today, as I lead the life I live. My reality is, He’s the only one that’s always been there for me and never let me down. He's the one I can trust to have my best interests at heart because he KNOWS me better than I even know myself. He knows the true desires of my heart, when  I don't even truly have a clue.

I can trust the words of anyone if I choose, but at some point or another they have and will let me down. God will never let me down. I may not get what I want, but I know without a doubt in my mind that God will provide for me exactly what I need, whatever that may be. All I have to do is to take it one day at a time, keep the faith, and be thankful for what I have in the NOW.

God is the one that knows the future- so I’m letting go, and trusting him with my life, heart, and future.  Not knowing where I stand with people or with situations is one of the hardest things for me to handle. However, I know where I stand with God, and that is all that matters.

As my mother often says, "Let Go, and Let God."

And I am.

The Fear of Fearing the Future

“What do you fear in your life? What are you holding yourself  back from that is impacting your future?”

Those questions are two very powerful questions that I have been presented in my life. And until now, I was never sure how to answer them.  As I have come to learn, fear is a powerful thing.
When I look at my life and think of all the things I used to be afraid of, I sort of laugh. I have found that I was a rather odd child, but we all have our quirks and things that make us different. However, in looking at when I was being raised, fear had a major impact on my life, and some in a silly way, but not all in a positive way.

When I was in elementary school, there was a saying “Don’t step on the cracks or you’ll break your mother’s back.” So until I was almost in 5^h grade, if I could, I avoided stepping on the cracks, because the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt my mother. Of course, being young, I didn’t fully understand the logic behind it, but just in case it was true, I wanted to make sure I did what I could to preserve my mother’s wellbeing…. LOL My fear of hurting my mother in that way, we both see now as "precious."

When I was in middle school, my family came to the decision that it was time to move to a different city. While it was just 30 minutes away from my childhood home, I was terrified. I had always been such a homebody, and had kept to the same group of friends that lived in my neighborhood and were at church, having to start over just made me tear up thinking about it. And, to make matters worse, my parents decided to hold me back a year- not because my grades were bad (I had all As and Bs), but because I needed an extra year to “mature” in their minds. However, I went. My middle school years  at Scott County Middle School had many difficulties, but the one I struggled with the most then was the fear of not being accepted. I was older than most the kids in my grade, and much to my embarassment constant rumors were spread about me before I even attended my first day of school in the 6th grade. However, I walked in on my first day of 6th grade with my head held high, and accepted my "diploma" for completeing 8th grade with the same kind of confidence I had on my first day- just more of it.

In a sense, high school was where I first started noticing what I was also afraid of- change. I was so afraid of losing friends, other’s respect, and a losing a good reputation that I forgot to realize that after I graduated, what I did in high school would just be a memory and wouldn’t matter anymore. High school got to be difficult for me, and I got to where I dreaded going to school. So, as a part of keeping my sanity and my interest in school, I made the decision to transfer to a private school. This would take me from a graduating class of 600+, to a graduating class of 6. Was I afraid? Absolutely. I was terrified. However, I just knew that nothing in my life would change, unless I put myself in the right environment TO change. Internally, I knew Scott County High School wasn’t going to help me anymore. So, I took a leap of faith, and went where I felt like was the best place for me. I told my friends at Scott County I was leaving before I had actually made up my mind and signed the papers validating my transfer.  But I realized that by transferring, I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain.  I felt like God was telling me to go. So like they say, when God calls you to do something, you don’t question him- you go. So I signed the papers the following day, and went.

In 2009, I met someone that I really had a connection with. My first mistake was pursuing him instead of allowing him to pursue me (there’s more to that story). However, nonetheless, soon we were together, engaged, and preparing for a future after I graduated college. I was ready to begin living my life, or so I thought. At that time, my biggest fear was losing this man that I thought I loved. I had become so consumed with him, that I had no sense of self anymore. I became the type of girl I hate the most, and I had somehow lost the tender ways of my youth, and traded them in for a more rough and sarcastic version of myself. Within time, I soon realized that something was missing, and I had to get it back. I had been so afraid to lose the only man I had ever had in my life that actually made me feel loved, that I had changed the person I was just to make him happy and keep him around, even though it made me unhappy. I soon realized that I couldn’t live like that for the rest of my life. It wasn’t necessarily anything he had done that made me feel that way, it was just something  I had changed in myself, so I would be loved by him. Once I started becoming the “old me”, we starting arguing more and more (because I'm strongwilled, and less submissive), and therefore, it eventually lead to us breaking up (among other reasons).  And honestly, I think that was the best thing for us both. Now I am able to spend this time of my life focusing on my career and family. And just recently, I learned that he is expecting a baby with the girl he was with before me. God is merciful to me, and is blessing him to an extent I'm sure he is not fully aware of yet. And for that, I thank God, on both of our parts.

Now, I am a sophomore/junior in college. I went back to school last fall at EKU, and have just declared my major (for the final time) as Social Work, with a minor in Child and Family Studies. I am having extreme success with my classes, and my current semester has me with a 3.9 GPA. If all goes well, I will graduate in December of 2014, with my Bachelor’s Degree in Social Work. Then REAL life begins. Am I afraid of what I will be doing? Absolutely. Not knowing what I will be doing then absolutely brings back those anxious feelings I had back in middle in high school when deciding to move.  However, I have learned that fear can be a good thing, if it doesn’t require you to live with regret or cause you to hold yourself back from reaching your potential.

                                                    
However, my most important and recent fear is that I am going to allow my past to hold me back.

                               

We all have skeletons in our closet, feelings that we carry with us regarding decisions we made, or things we’ve said that have hurt others. We can ask for forgiveness from other people, but sometimes that isn’t enough. We, as humans, often forget to forgive ourselves. I am just a girl in the eyes of my parents, and a maturing young adult according to society. In my mind though, I am a work in progress. For the first time in my life, I am able to forgive myself which gives me the ability to let go of my past, and focus on what is to come instead of having my focus be on what used to be. I am not afraid of my future anymore. Once the guilt of the past subsides, you can't help but have hope for the future. Sometimes, I laugh when I think of how I used to be so terrified of my future life. The future is a gift. Not all get to live to be old.... each day is a blessing. I think I was often so consumed in my emotions tied to my past that I had often forgotten to live and enjoy life in the NOW.

I often times wonder if my biggest fear was being happy on my own, as if being happy alone was really something that should be feared. So many people look to others for happiness, when happiness is not something that you can get from another person. Sure, people can help make your days better, and make your nights less lonely. But YOU know if something is missing, and like in my case, you KNOW what is missing but are too afraid to reach out and get it.

With my 22^nd birthday just a few days away, I’m trying to encourage myself to keep a fresh perspective on life. To live life moving FORWARDS instead of always looking backwards. Living life looking straight ahead is nothing to be afraid of,  but you must be aware that every single moment that passes is a moment you’ll never get back. That moment then becomes “your past”.

As my dad has told me so many times, “There is no future in the past.”

And today, I also encourage you to let go of the things in your past; whether it be relationships issues with people you care about, destructive choices, selfish tendencies, guilty conscience, missed opportunities… Let them all go.  They are gone- kaput. They are now to be put in the history section of your life. There is no sense in remembering them, because it just hurts yourself. Besides, those that truly love you will instantaneously forgive you for any wrong doings you feel you've done to them.  Leave all the negative feelings and emotions IN YOUR PAST. That's where they belong.

Make the decision today to change your life- for the better.
Don’t like the choices you made today?  Make better ones tomorrow.
Don’t like the people you surround yourself with now? Surround yourself with ones that you do like.
Missed an opportunity lately? Build a door for another opportunity down the road.
Hurt someone yesterday? Apologize today.

Lets face it, we are all humans. We all breathe the same air, and while we all make different mistakes, we still all make them. Not one person goes through life perfect, and without doing wrong to someone.

What matters is how you handle yourself after those mistakes.

Do you have the courage to stop holding onto the past, and to let it go?  Can you let go of all your guilt, anger, sadness, resentment, or hurt? Lean on those who offer you support, and forgive those who tear you down. The only one that truly impacts your future is YOU. The only thing that can hold you back from living the best life you can- is YOU.

“If love becomes too painful then it’s time to let that love go and save yourself. You got to keep this in mind because you’ll be able to find another love, but not another self.” -Robert Tew

You have one life. Just one. So, make the most of it, and don’t be afraid of what is to come. Instead, look forward to it. Life is a beautiful thing, and is not to be feared. So live life to the fullest with the time you have here on earth, because we aren’t going to be here for forever. J

Much love,

Madison Elesabeth

Who I Am

Who Am I?
This is the question that everyone on this earth struggles with at some point in their lives. It can be when you're just beginning to understand the earth's wonders when you start to figure out who you ARE, what makes you unique, what makes your being on earth a blessing to others. As teenagers, not knowing who you are is often harmful, but as an adult, not knowing who you are and what you stand for is a tragedy. It is because of knowing who you are that you make the decisions to do what you do whether those things be good or bad.
Growing up, between birth-about 12 years old, my life was pretty much at peace. I was a very free-spirited, care free, loving, compassionate and happy child. I asked my mother a few minutes ago what she would describe me when I was a child in one word. "VIVACIOUS". My mother and I were talking just yesterday about how she couldn't take me anywhere in fear of me running off, as I had the tendency to run in parking lots... a LOT. So, naturally, I was quite stubborn as well. As the years passed, things got hard. I stopped being "Madison". I became all about attention, and not just positive attention. I look back now at some of the things I was going through in high school and middle school, and I now know and understand that it was a cry for help. My reality is though, that I was just aching for someone to show me that they cared enough to stop and listen to me. I was begging for a friend to reach out to me, give me a hug, to to tell me that I could get through the trials of my youth. I was drowning, and there were times I felt like no one cared enough to reach out to save me. I walked through the halls of high school feeling like no one would notice if I ever came back- so I didn't.
Now I look back, and can see that I was wrong. There were plenty of people that tried reaching out to me, but I ignored them. I didn't ignore them on purpose, for if I had known during that time that I was ignoring them, I would have gone that extra mile to make sure that I DIDN'T. I loved my friends- because when things were hard at home, they were the only thing that I had that gave me hope for a better future. I know that a lot of my pain I dealt with I brought on myself, and then there some crucial things I couldn't help and had no control over. I learned early on that lying is not something that I will ever be able to do to someone I love, having to let go of someone that you're not ready to leave is the hardest thing do, no attention is better than negative attention, crying DOESN'T mean you're weak, and you will never be able to change a person no matter how much you care about them.  I have been able to forgive those that have hurt me, and asked for forgiveness from (almost all) those that I feel like I have wronged. I have gone from being weak, and running from my problems, to being strong and facing my fears. I still have my weaknesses, such as a lack of patience, and promptness, for example,  but I'm working on that. I have gone through a lot of changes within my being, but not EVERYTHING has changed. The one thing that has not changed throughout my childhood, teenage years, and that has followed me into adulthood- is my heart. It has been hurt, betrayed, beaten, left, tainted, forgotten, broken, cheated, tattered, torn, and taken advantage of- and yet it still beats just as strong as if it escaped all the deep valleys of despair. I am whole again- I am who I always was, and always wanted to be because the grace of God has saved my heart, and my soul through it all. Just when I thought I was all alone, He never fails to show me that he never left me. Because of His love, he has been holding my hand every step of the way, even when I refused to acknowledge him.
I may not have it all together and be exactly where I want to be at right now, but I know the kind of woman I want to be in the future. I know that I want to be a strong, compassionate woman. I want to always put others before myself, and to show love through my actions, words, and even my thoughts. I want to be positive, and have composure in tough situations. I want my family to know how grateful I am for them,and I want to make sure that I tell them that I love them every single day, and I want them to FEEL that love without me even having to say it. I want to be an explorer, and find things that are so rare, people think there are no such things on this earth. I want to make a difference in someone's life, be a motivator, or a mentor. I want to be romantic, and appreciate the littlest things that most people miss. I want to take the time out of my day to send a thank you card, or to let someone know that they are appreciated. When I smile, I want it to be genuine happiness that shows through. I want to be brave and courageous, and take risks most wouldn't even give a second thought about. I want to soar in my faith, conquer in my strength, and get lost in my happiness. I'm not wanting perfection, because nothing is perfect. I just want to be authentic; I want to be something REAL. :)