Who I Am

Who Am I?
This is the question that everyone on this earth struggles with at some point in their lives. It can be when you're just beginning to understand the earth's wonders when you start to figure out who you ARE, what makes you unique, what makes your being on earth a blessing to others. As teenagers, not knowing who you are is often harmful, but as an adult, not knowing who you are and what you stand for is a tragedy. It is because of knowing who you are that you make the decisions to do what you do whether those things be good or bad.
Growing up, between birth-about 12 years old, my life was pretty much at peace. I was a very free-spirited, care free, loving, compassionate and happy child. I asked my mother a few minutes ago what she would describe me when I was a child in one word. "VIVACIOUS". My mother and I were talking just yesterday about how she couldn't take me anywhere in fear of me running off, as I had the tendency to run in parking lots... a LOT. So, naturally, I was quite stubborn as well. As the years passed, things got hard. I stopped being "Madison". I became all about attention, and not just positive attention. I look back now at some of the things I was going through in high school and middle school, and I now know and understand that it was a cry for help. My reality is though, that I was just aching for someone to show me that they cared enough to stop and listen to me. I was begging for a friend to reach out to me, give me a hug, to to tell me that I could get through the trials of my youth. I was drowning, and there were times I felt like no one cared enough to reach out to save me. I walked through the halls of high school feeling like no one would notice if I ever came back- so I didn't.
Now I look back, and can see that I was wrong. There were plenty of people that tried reaching out to me, but I ignored them. I didn't ignore them on purpose, for if I had known during that time that I was ignoring them, I would have gone that extra mile to make sure that I DIDN'T. I loved my friends- because when things were hard at home, they were the only thing that I had that gave me hope for a better future. I know that a lot of my pain I dealt with I brought on myself, and then there some crucial things I couldn't help and had no control over. I learned early on that lying is not something that I will ever be able to do to someone I love, having to let go of someone that you're not ready to leave is the hardest thing do, no attention is better than negative attention, crying DOESN'T mean you're weak, and you will never be able to change a person no matter how much you care about them.  I have been able to forgive those that have hurt me, and asked for forgiveness from (almost all) those that I feel like I have wronged. I have gone from being weak, and running from my problems, to being strong and facing my fears. I still have my weaknesses, such as a lack of patience, and promptness, for example,  but I'm working on that. I have gone through a lot of changes within my being, but not EVERYTHING has changed. The one thing that has not changed throughout my childhood, teenage years, and that has followed me into adulthood- is my heart. It has been hurt, betrayed, beaten, left, tainted, forgotten, broken, cheated, tattered, torn, and taken advantage of- and yet it still beats just as strong as if it escaped all the deep valleys of despair. I am whole again- I am who I always was, and always wanted to be because the grace of God has saved my heart, and my soul through it all. Just when I thought I was all alone, He never fails to show me that he never left me. Because of His love, he has been holding my hand every step of the way, even when I refused to acknowledge him.
I may not have it all together and be exactly where I want to be at right now, but I know the kind of woman I want to be in the future. I know that I want to be a strong, compassionate woman. I want to always put others before myself, and to show love through my actions, words, and even my thoughts. I want to be positive, and have composure in tough situations. I want my family to know how grateful I am for them,and I want to make sure that I tell them that I love them every single day, and I want them to FEEL that love without me even having to say it. I want to be an explorer, and find things that are so rare, people think there are no such things on this earth. I want to make a difference in someone's life, be a motivator, or a mentor. I want to be romantic, and appreciate the littlest things that most people miss. I want to take the time out of my day to send a thank you card, or to let someone know that they are appreciated. When I smile, I want it to be genuine happiness that shows through. I want to be brave and courageous, and take risks most wouldn't even give a second thought about. I want to soar in my faith, conquer in my strength, and get lost in my happiness. I'm not wanting perfection, because nothing is perfect. I just want to be authentic; I want to be something REAL. :)

My Bucket List for Life

I was raised a dreamer- our family motto for the longest time was

"Dream big dreams, because if Jesus lives in your dreams, then baby, your dreams will LIVE."

I never really thought much about it, other than it often got repeated all the time to the point where it got annoying to my 15 year old self. Now that I am a little bit older, have experienced a little bit more, I understand that deeper meaning that was instilled lovingly by my mother and father. It is okay to dream, to want things, to appreciate the earthly gifts we have been given. However, there is a point where we often start worshipping the things that were given to us, instead of who gave them to us. Myself included (my friends can probably vouch for this) was way too into facebook, and my "dumbphone", and money. I couldn't go an hour without being on facebook, I couldn't go anywhere without my phone being on me and turned on, I was greedy with my money, and would only do nice things for others if there was something in it for me (self-satisfaction), instead of just because it was the kind and right thing to do.  I forgot that everything I have, was given to me by Him. We take some of the most precious people in our lives for granted, and truly don't understand the concept of what love truly is because we see it from the worldly perspective, instead of the WHOLE perspective.

I am young, just 21 years old. I have a lot of life left to live. In a sense I feel like I have made a waste of the past 8 years, but after taking a step back and understanding the bigger picture, I now know that our past is our past for a reason. Things happen because that's the way it was supposed to be. Every heartache, blow to confidence, fight, hurtful word, and bad decision happened for a reason. I regret NOTHING of my past, and am completely looking forward to the years to come :)

Something of my past that I will always remember though, is on every New Years Day making a Bucket List. My family would sit around the table and write down things we wanted in the upcoming year, and where we wanted to be in 10 years. We would put things down that were realistic, and some that I thought were ridiculous. However, I realize now that nothing is truly ridiculous because anything is possible :). Due to recent events, I have failed to complete my "dream list" this year, and need to complete that and my life bucket list. My yearly goal list is a little more personal, but I have no problem sharing my Bucket List, for my life... I have learned you are most likely to accomplish those things which you take the time to write down.... so here are the things I DREAM of, and aspire to accomplish in my next 50 years- including ones that were goals of the past that I have already accomplished.

BUCKET LIST

1. Ride in a hot air balloon

2. Swim with the dolphins

3. See a shooting star

4. Bring someone to God

5. Visit a vineyard

6. Acheive my goal weight in under 2 years (I've got 21.5 more months to go! :P)

7. Go SCUBA diving

8. Go to a foreign country

9. Adopt/Sponsor a child from a foreign country

10. See the Eiffel Tower
11. See the Leaning Tower of Pisa
12. Make a difference in someone's life
13. Go Parasailing
14. Go back to Hong Kong

15. Find a starfish or a sanddollar

16. Get married on the beach

17. Write a book about something I am passionate about

18. Go to a black sand beach

19. Purposefully watch a sunrise

20. Ride a jetski

21.Go on a road trip                                                             

22. Learn to knit a scarf

23. Learn how to make oragami cranes and frogs

24. See the Cherry Blossoms in Japan

25. Be a mentor to someone

26. Have children's laughter fill my home

27. Visit a Volcano

28. Ride a Horse on the Beach

29. Go to a pub in Ireland

30. Visit a Castle in England

31. Marry for LOVE the FIRST time
32. Go to a wine tasting
33. Learn to cook exotic meals
34. Fly in a plane
35. Ride an elephant in India
36. Bathe in the Ganges
37. See a white tiger up close

38.Ask for forgiveness for the things I have done wrong

39. See running of the Bulls in Spain

40. Visit the Birthplace of my mother- Augsburg, Germany

41. Go to a concert

42. Read the Bible all the way through

43. Have 3-4 children of my own

44. Learn sign language

45. Forgive those that have hurt me in my past

46. Own a beach house

47. Get a good camera, and take a photography class

48. Take more risks- don't be afraid

49. See a live birth

50. Live life with no regrets

I was blind, but now I see.

This week has been very rough on me. My mother and ladder have been out of the country, I have been deceived and lied to, my best friend from my volleyball and high school days had a port put in her for dialysis preparation from 4^th stage renal failure, I made an idiot of myself to someone I didn’t even know, I showed approval for things that I am not proud to admit, had a lot of harsh realizations,  said words that I am ashamed of, and I realized that I am expecting my earthly father to be a perfect example of my heavenly father.

I was baptized when I was 12 years old, and as much as I hate to say this- I was NOT ready. I had not been through enough things in my life to completely grasp the concept of faith, eternal life, and everlasting love.  I believe in my 12 year old mind, I did it more because everyone else was doing it  than because it was what I believed. The things in my life didn’t even start getting hard until I was 13 years old. The last 8 years have been the most testing and difficult of my life. I lost the base of who I was as a person. I lost my soul to the world, only finding gratification in worldly things. I pushed God to the side, and sadly, put myself first.  People would always talk about how God has such a powerful hold over a person once you let him in, and I didn’t even really pay attention to that or try to invite him in.

I believe my AHA! moment came to me through a miscommunication. As I stated before, my friend is having to go through Dialysis. She is on the transplant list for a kidney transplant at 20 years old. She sent me a text message, that changed me. I understood it as meaning one thing, and she meant something else. But through that message I realized that life is really short, and that I have been living the wrong way. I was living for myself. I immediately rehashed the past few years I spent with her- and I realized that I hadn’t spent any time with her. Here was my best friend, and I have seen her once for like 5 minutes in over 3 years. Instead of spending time with those that love and cared for me but were harder to reach, I spent time with those that could spend time with me because it was easier, but that didn’t care for me.

Nothing worth having ever comes easy. There are always hoops, hurdles, and wrong turns to everything.  If you are meant to be friends with someone for the rest of your life, you will be. You can reconnect at any point, and talk as if you never spent a day apart. Those friendships- be they male or female- MEAN something for your life. I never recognized it before. I just ignored it, took them for granted. I can name about 5 people from my life that I have always been friends with- all together we have come through disappointments, struggles, unreturned feelings, deception, broken hearts, loss of loved ones, distance, sickness, personal issues- and yet I can still call them my friends because they are still standing beside me today.  They never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself.

There are NO accidents in life. Everything happens for a reason. You’re friends are who they are for a reason. Your parents are your parents for a reason. You apologize for a reason. You get tested for a reason. You live- FOR a reason.  

I have found my reason finally. My reason- is for Him. And because of that, I see light a little brighter, I recognize things I never saw before, I am not afraid to take chances or to look like a fool in front of others. I know that I am loved by God, even if I may not be loved by who I want to be.  I realize that my heart is still the same after everything I have been through even though I have been pretending that I am different. I tried to be “numb” and in a lot of ways sacrificed myself to booze, bars, and negative thinking- and I have realized that that is NOT who I am. I am doing those because I feel alone, but I’m NOT alone, because He is with me. I do not need to find self-fulfillment in earthly things anymore. I am in this world, but do not want to be OF this world. It is a struggle, but I think that with the right influences and God in my heart- anything is possible.