“What do you fear in your life? What are you holding yourself back from that is impacting your future?”
Those questions are two very powerful questions that I have been presented in my life. And until now, I was never sure how to answer them. As I have come to learn, fear is a powerful thing. When I look at my life and think of all the things I used to be afraid of, I sort of laugh. I have found that I was a rather odd child, but we all have our quirks and things that make us different. However, in looking at when I was being raised, fear had a major impact on my life, and some in a silly way, but not all in a positive way.
When I was in elementary school, there was a saying “Don’t step on the cracks or you’ll break your mother’s back.” So until I was almost in 5h grade, if I could, I avoided stepping on the cracks, because the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt my mother. Of course, being young, I didn’t fully understand the logic behind it, but just in case it was true, I wanted to make sure I did what I could to preserve my mother’s wellbeing…. LOL My fear of hurting my mother in that way, we both see now as "precious."
When I was in middle school, my family came to the decision that it was time to move to a different city. While it was just 30 minutes away from my childhood home, I was terrified. I had always been such a homebody, and had kept to the same group of friends that lived in my neighborhood and were at church, having to start over just made me tear up thinking about it. And, to make matters worse, my parents decided to hold me back a year- not because my grades were bad (I had all As and Bs), but because I needed an extra year to “mature” in their minds. However, I went. My middle school years at Scott County Middle School had many difficulties, but the one I struggled with the most then was the fear of not being accepted. I was older than most the kids in my grade, and much to my embarassment constant rumors were spread about me before I even attended my first day of school in the 6th grade. However, I walked in on my first day of 6th grade with my head held high, and accepted my "diploma" for completeing 8th grade with the same kind of confidence I had on my first day- just more of it.
In a sense, high school was where I first started noticing what I was also afraid of- change. I was so afraid of losing friends, other’s respect, and a losing a good reputation that I forgot to realize that after I graduated, what I did in high school would just be a memory and wouldn’t matter anymore. High school got to be difficult for me, and I got to where I dreaded going to school. So, as a part of keeping my sanity and my interest in school, I made the decision to transfer to a private school. This would take me from a graduating class of 600+, to a graduating class of 6. Was I afraid? Absolutely. I was terrified. However, I just knew that nothing in my life would change, unless I put myself in the right environment TO change. Internally, I knew Scott County High School wasn’t going to help me anymore. So, I took a leap of faith, and went where I felt like was the best place for me. I told my friends at Scott County I was leaving before I had actually made up my mind and signed the papers validating my transfer. But I realized that by transferring, I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I felt like God was telling me to go. So like they say, when God calls you to do something, you don’t question him- you go. So I signed the papers the following day, and went.
In 2009, I met someone that I really had a connection with. My first mistake was pursuing him instead of allowing him to pursue me (there’s more to that story). However, nonetheless, soon we were together, engaged, and preparing for a future after I graduated college. I was ready to begin living my life, or so I thought. At that time, my biggest fear was losing this man that I thought I loved. I had become so consumed with him, that I had no sense of self anymore. I became the type of girl I hate the most, and I had somehow lost the tender ways of my youth, and traded them in for a more rough and sarcastic version of myself. Within time, I soon realized that something was missing, and I had to get it back. I had been so afraid to lose the only man I had ever had in my life that actually made me feel loved, that I had changed the person I was just to make him happy and keep him around, even though it made me unhappy. I soon realized that I couldn’t live like that for the rest of my life. It wasn’t necessarily anything he had done that made me feel that way, it was just something I had changed in myself, so I would be loved by him. Once I started becoming the “old me”, we starting arguing more and more (because I'm strongwilled, and less submissive), and therefore, it eventually lead to us breaking up (among other reasons). And honestly, I think that was the best thing for us both. Now I am able to spend this time of my life focusing on my career and family. And just recently, I learned that he is expecting a baby with the girl he was with before me. God is merciful to me, and is blessing him to an extent I'm sure he is not fully aware of yet. And for that, I thank God, on both of our parts.
Now, I am a sophomore/junior in college. I went back to school last fall at EKU, and have just declared my major (for the final time) as Social Work, with a minor in Child and Family Studies. I am having extreme success with my classes, and my current semester has me with a 3.9 GPA. If all goes well, I will graduate in December of 2014, with my Bachelor’s Degree in Social Work. Then REAL life begins. Am I afraid of what I will be doing? Absolutely. Not knowing what I will be doing then absolutely brings back those anxious feelings I had back in middle in high school when deciding to move. However, I have learned that fear can be a good thing, if it doesn’t require you to live with regret or cause you to hold yourself back from reaching your potential.
However, my most important and recent fear is that I am going to allow my past to hold me back.
We all have skeletons in our closet, feelings that we carry with us regarding decisions we made, or things we’ve said that have hurt others. We can ask for forgiveness from other people, but sometimes that isn’t enough. We, as humans, often forget to forgive ourselves. I am just a girl in the eyes of my parents, and a maturing young adult according to society. In my mind though, I am a work in progress. For the first time in my life, I am able to forgive myself which gives me the ability to let go of my past, and focus on what is to come instead of having my focus be on what used to be. I am not afraid of my future anymore. Once the guilt of the past subsides, you can't help but have hope for the future. Sometimes, I laugh when I think of how I used to be so terrified of my future life. The future is a gift. Not all get to live to be old.... each day is a blessing. I think I was often so consumed in my emotions tied to my past that I had often forgotten to live and enjoy life in the NOW.
I often times wonder if my biggest fear was being happy on my own, as if being happy alone was really something that should be feared. So many people look to others for happiness, when happiness is not something that you can get from another person. Sure, people can help make your days better, and make your nights less lonely. But YOU know if something is missing, and like in my case, you KNOW what is missing but are too afraid to reach out and get it.With my 22nd birthday just a few days away, I’m trying to encourage myself to keep a fresh perspective on life. To live life moving FORWARDS instead of always looking backwards. Living life looking straight ahead is nothing to be afraid of, but you must be aware that every single moment that passes is a moment you’ll never get back. That moment then becomes “your past”.
As my dad has told me so many times, “There is no future in the past.”
And today, I also encourage you to let go of the things in your past; whether it be relationships issues with people you care about, destructive choices, selfish tendencies, guilty conscience, missed opportunities… Let them all go. They are gone- kaput. They are now to be put in the history section of your life. There is no sense in remembering them, because it just hurts yourself. Besides, those that truly love you will instantaneously forgive you for any wrong doings you feel you've done to them. Leave all the negative feelings and emotions IN YOUR PAST. That's where they belong.
Make the decision today to change your life- for the better.Don’t like the choices you made today? Make better ones tomorrow.
Don’t like the people you surround yourself with now? Surround yourself with ones that you do like.
Missed an opportunity lately? Build a door for another opportunity down the road.
Hurt someone yesterday? Apologize today.
Lets face it, we are all humans. We all breathe the same air, and while we all make different mistakes, we still all make them. Not one person goes through life perfect, and without doing wrong to someone.
What matters is how you handle yourself after those mistakes.
Do you have the courage to stop holding onto the past, and to let it go? Can you let go of all your guilt, anger, sadness, resentment, or hurt? Lean on those who offer you support, and forgive those who tear you down. The only one that truly impacts your future is YOU. The only thing that can hold you back from living the best life you can- is YOU.
