I was blind, but now I see.

This week has been very rough on me. My mother and ladder have been out of the country, I have been deceived and lied to, my best friend from my volleyball and high school days had a port put in her for dialysis preparation from 4^th stage renal failure, I made an idiot of myself to someone I didn’t even know, I showed approval for things that I am not proud to admit, had a lot of harsh realizations,  said words that I am ashamed of, and I realized that I am expecting my earthly father to be a perfect example of my heavenly father.

I was baptized when I was 12 years old, and as much as I hate to say this- I was NOT ready. I had not been through enough things in my life to completely grasp the concept of faith, eternal life, and everlasting love.  I believe in my 12 year old mind, I did it more because everyone else was doing it  than because it was what I believed. The things in my life didn’t even start getting hard until I was 13 years old. The last 8 years have been the most testing and difficult of my life. I lost the base of who I was as a person. I lost my soul to the world, only finding gratification in worldly things. I pushed God to the side, and sadly, put myself first.  People would always talk about how God has such a powerful hold over a person once you let him in, and I didn’t even really pay attention to that or try to invite him in.

I believe my AHA! moment came to me through a miscommunication. As I stated before, my friend is having to go through Dialysis. She is on the transplant list for a kidney transplant at 20 years old. She sent me a text message, that changed me. I understood it as meaning one thing, and she meant something else. But through that message I realized that life is really short, and that I have been living the wrong way. I was living for myself. I immediately rehashed the past few years I spent with her- and I realized that I hadn’t spent any time with her. Here was my best friend, and I have seen her once for like 5 minutes in over 3 years. Instead of spending time with those that love and cared for me but were harder to reach, I spent time with those that could spend time with me because it was easier, but that didn’t care for me.

Nothing worth having ever comes easy. There are always hoops, hurdles, and wrong turns to everything.  If you are meant to be friends with someone for the rest of your life, you will be. You can reconnect at any point, and talk as if you never spent a day apart. Those friendships- be they male or female- MEAN something for your life. I never recognized it before. I just ignored it, took them for granted. I can name about 5 people from my life that I have always been friends with- all together we have come through disappointments, struggles, unreturned feelings, deception, broken hearts, loss of loved ones, distance, sickness, personal issues- and yet I can still call them my friends because they are still standing beside me today.  They never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself.

There are NO accidents in life. Everything happens for a reason. You’re friends are who they are for a reason. Your parents are your parents for a reason. You apologize for a reason. You get tested for a reason. You live- FOR a reason.  

I have found my reason finally. My reason- is for Him. And because of that, I see light a little brighter, I recognize things I never saw before, I am not afraid to take chances or to look like a fool in front of others. I know that I am loved by God, even if I may not be loved by who I want to be.  I realize that my heart is still the same after everything I have been through even though I have been pretending that I am different. I tried to be “numb” and in a lot of ways sacrificed myself to booze, bars, and negative thinking- and I have realized that that is NOT who I am. I am doing those because I feel alone, but I’m NOT alone, because He is with me. I do not need to find self-fulfillment in earthly things anymore. I am in this world, but do not want to be OF this world. It is a struggle, but I think that with the right influences and God in my heart- anything is possible.