Trusting Again.

In our lives we all have things we wish we’ve never said,
and things we wish we never did...

Many of us have said “I hate you” to our parents, in our fits of teenage rebellion. Often we make a judgment of others when our opinion isn’t wanted, or needed.   We say “I love you” to those we don’t love.  We also say things we don't mean to those you DO love. We tell our friends lies, are dishonest to our parents, or fail to tell the complete truth to anyone else. We gossip about other’s lives (which we know nothing about),  and we boast about the things we do happen to know about. We spread rumors that cause a person’s heart to become heavy, not knowing the impact it can have on our own. And we say things every day that someone might possibly carry with them for the rest of their life. Words are just words, or so they say. BUT, words can hurt, because words are powerful.
If you truly know me, you know that I am a talker. I am a very blunt, straightforward kind of person. And even though I may talk a lot, there are a whole lot of things I don’t speak of, and probably never will. There are feelings I’ve felt that I can’t even begin to explain to someone.

It’s scary- utterly terrifying, not knowing why you feel the need to do or say something without any realistic cause…. why you say the things you do. However, I believe that our words are a reflection of our hearts... While, I sometimes say things I don't mean, and regret, once I get the chance to talk to someone- the truth of who I am comes out. I'll tell you of my past, my present, and my plans for the future. I'll speak of my difficulties I've come across in life, and I'll mention the moments in my life that seem like they could've come straight out of a fairy tale. But most importantly, I will let you in on my hopes for my future, and the things I believe that are to come. I'll speak of my faith in the unknown in my life- or my newfound faith in God.
You know, I’ve gambled a lot in my life. I've gambled in my friendships, relationships, and on a rare occasion, my money. I’ve won some, and I’ve lost some. I've kept some, and I've tossed some. But I’ve always been the kind a girl that thinks taking the chance to get what you want is ALWAYS worth it. If you get what you want, you GET it knowing the faith, dedication, and determination you had to have to claim it. You get it because it was what God desired for you, and because you earned it. I call those things  or little moments God gives us blessings.

On the flipside, if you DON’T get what you want, you can always say you tried your very best. If you're gonna fail at something, its better to go down swinging, than to never even have tried. There are moments in my life where I feel that I got a little ahead of myself, and gave up when I should've stuck in there, and finished until the end. Those times are the ones that haunt me, and create the "What If" moments in my life. I've learned though, that sometimes the best thing to do after you've failed is to walk with your head held high knowing you did all you could possible; but it just wasn’t meant to happen. As I once heard someone say, "The only real failure in life, is the failure to try." And I believe that wholeheartedly.

I’m used to not getting what I want, but mostly because I never knew what exactly it is that I wanted.... Now, however, I know exactly what I want, in almost all areas. I know what I want from my career, from myself, my spirituality, and from a future with whomever I'll marry. However, I’m prepared to live without it. I know that I'd be okay without the career of my dreams. I'd be okay without the man of my idreams. But the two things I want that I absolutely cannot live without is my faith in myself, and most importantly, my faith in God.  The things I hope for are not necessities, they are desires. We can live without our desires, but we don’t WANT that.

Truthfully, I want a lot of things for my life. But often, what I want isn’t what I need. I have had to learn to lean and trust God in these times.

God provides exactly what I NEED, when I need it. He provides in HIS timing, not mine.

When his timing is, I have aboslutely no clue. I'd like to think that after I graduate, things will start coming together. I'll be moving to the Carolina's with my mom and stepdad, or at least that's what they've said for the past year- but truthfully, I don't know what is to come. Something could happen, and I never make it there- so I have to be prepared for  may happen- I may move to London or Hong Kong for all I know... lol 

But I DO know, that when God's timing for my life comes; whether it be career, opportunity, relationship, or children related, it will be obvious that this was how I was meant to live my live.

The pain we feel isn’t because of God. God doesn't cause us pain- WE cause our pain. We cause ourselves pain when we are unable to let go of toxic people, nonexistant relationships, or the sins and mistakes we’ve committed in the past. We cause ourselves pain  by selling ourselves short, and thinking we are worth so much less than we actually are. We see ourselves for how those that didn't deserve us, and mistreated us saw us, instead of how God sees us. We cause pain in our lives thinking ourselves unlovable, when often if you'd just wake up and turn around, you'd find someone that would give everything of theirs to be something of yours. We cause pain when we mistreat others, are are self seeking for our personal benefits. And we cause pain when we are given another chance, just to throw it away. Pain stems from regret, guilt, or remorse that we've brought upon ourselves. And only God has the ability to take the pain away, if we trust in Him.

All I want for my life is what God wants for me.  I’ve given up every single thing of any worth to my life to HIM to do as he chooses. Literally, I've ended relationships that were unhealthy, and am clinging to the ones that are healthy. I've stopped a lot of my bad habits, and am trying to get ready for whatever comes my way. For the first time in my life- I’ve let go of MY plans for my life- and am totally trusting God. The concept of trusting God, when I don't trust any other person on this earth is amazing to me. But truthfully, when I was at my lowest, the only person that never let me down was God. When things were going bad at home, and when I lost a friend, God was there. I FELT him then, when I was broken and in turmoil. And I can feel him even STRONGER today, as I lead the life I live. My reality is, He’s the only one that’s always been there for me and never let me down. He's the one I can trust to have my best interests at heart because he KNOWS me better than I even know myself. He knows the true desires of my heart, when  I don't even truly have a clue.

I can trust the words of anyone if I choose, but at some point or another they have and will let me down. God will never let me down. I may not get what I want, but I know without a doubt in my mind that God will provide for me exactly what I need, whatever that may be. All I have to do is to take it one day at a time, keep the faith, and be thankful for what I have in the NOW.

God is the one that knows the future- so I’m letting go, and trusting him with my life, heart, and future.  Not knowing where I stand with people or with situations is one of the hardest things for me to handle. However, I know where I stand with God, and that is all that matters.

As my mother often says, "Let Go, and Let God."

And I am.